That’s what i was thinking when i strutted up and down the sidewalk in my pointy black Aldo heels.
Was walking to Pavilion to buy lunch to scoff in the opis.
It was a super nice walk, breezy and sunny.
Saw the insane line at J.Co as i went to tapau Taiwanese Oyster Mee Sua for DatinTini and i.
Oh my God, i just remembered, i dreamt i got someone to line up for me to buy the doughnuts last night, haha!
Then i got an iced latte from The Loaf before heading back.
Okay, as you can see i’m just procrastinating cos i’m hating my work right now.
Can i like, just be a full-time blogger now?
Sigh.
Oh plus. My Dopod just died on me last night.
It just switched off and wouldn’t turn back on.
Kaput.
Just like that.
NotYourAverageJo suggested i throw it into the dustbin from across the room like how he did out of frustration.
I’ll get a new phone tomorrow, though i haven’t decided what i’ll get yet.
Hmm… suggestions?
Something small, sexy, slim and not pesky to sms.
Cases in KL have increased and worsened of late.
People are becoming more daring, and have started pushing the limits of crime.
Not your maniacal killing sprees like you read on crimelibrary.com (god, i was so addicted to that), but those that fall under rape and kidnappings.
DatinTini just told me that in the past month, two separate girls (her neighbours) around the age of 20 were kidnapped and gang-raped before being released in Ampang.
Please, please be careful, girls…
Got an sms and email from AaronExSlut
The email linked me to yothemans.com:
”
A very close friend of mine, ——โs sister got kidnap today near her workplace
ย 3 guys kidnapped a Chinese girl in a silver colour Toyota Camry (the boxy version) . Please help to spread the word and report to the police if you spot the number, your help is much appreciated.
The last time they detected her HP signal was in KLIA area.
”
I stared at the picture thinking how much it she looks like my friend, Michelle.
And how i’d feel if Michelle got snatched off like that.
Some people are asking me about DetergentMan… and how we seem to be moving things fast.
But i really really like him. And i don’t want to play games or anything, it’s beyond playing games for me.
I figure that even though a lot of chasing involves games, this attraction has reached a level where we don’t even bother with it.
As SiewChing said, “So i guess this marks a new chapter in your life.”
And i replied, “I guess so…”
Sometimes i think that i’m breaking all my rules and i’m going to fuck myself over.
That if i see him so much now, something might go wrong and it’ll be lost.
But it’s reached a point where i don’t even care anymore… and i’m happy.
I just have to concentrate.
For instance, on my driving -_-
I was so busy daydreaming about him that i accidentally made a wrong turn and got myself stuck in a traffic jam -_-
And i almost ran a red light 0_o
“Mmm, you’re toasty,” he said this morning.
I was thinking, eh? Toasty? I’m usually the one who needs to be warmed up…
Turned out i had fever and took MC.
Went to the doctor’s in Bangsar and bumped into JayMenon in Strip.
“Oh i saw you in Style, it’s a really nice picture!” she complimented.
“Style… what picture? In event issit?” I was so blur.
“No, like some feature.”
“Heh..?”
I swear my memory is so bad i forgot all about it.
So i pottered to my local newsstand to get a copy.
Tada! Me! *beams*
I got the earrings and belt from a vintage shop IceCalvin brought me to in Bangkok.
I was taken aback when i saw the person being featured next to me…
AdamPoserPan -_-
I did the shoot on the same day with ChatterboxJojo(Struys) and SmallSerena, so go get the mag and see the other gorgeous shots for yourself ๐
Why Losing Control
Isn’t Recommended:
<I had to take the picture down. Because Adrian didn’t think it was flattering… and i don’t really want to get on his bad side, see :p Sigh. Veto power presides again.>
#1. Shameless pictures of yourself will be snapped by your staff.
#2. Said shameless pictures will easily be copied from your staff in the office, unto memory card of some fairy blogger person who was there to have a meeting with you.
#3. You never know when one particular shameless picture might then be used by one of your contributors for a poster. Not just any poster. But a WILD one.
I spent all of Monday doing laundry.
Heaps and hills of it.
Two batches in the machine and four batches by hand.
I don’t think i’ve done so much laundry in one day in my entire life.
Just needed to keep busy. Then i edited a whole bunch of Bali pics as well.
By the time it was 8pm, i changed and looked presentable, some, and went to meet writer SiewChing at the Curve where she interviewed me for a feature article.
Tiba-tiba she said, “Oh, i read about your dog.”
Then i started tearing… -_-
I cried during an interview -_-
Damn fail.
Bali pictures – Day 1:
CasparBFG picked me up from the airport on a bike, then we ran around getting the necessary for our road trip – rental car, petrol, his laptop from his friend’s room for me to do my work on, and magic mushrooms.
No, i’m serious.
You think i’m kidding?
I wanna open one with happy-coloured furniture and Disney music playing at all hours.
Then we got the rental car which was manual.
Okay, see, the pictures above were taken during the leisurely part of the drive.
They told us we’d take two hours to get to Lovina (up north) from Kuta.
Rubbish. We took four hours.
Later on, it got dark real quick, the roads became more windy and steep, there were no streetlights on the mountains *and* it started raining.
Fucking champion.
I drove super slowly, not wanting to drive us over a cliff, thus ending our lives in Bali.
By the time we got to resort Melka Excelsior, i flopped on the bed and died immediately.
We woke up at 5:45 am the next day whereupon a local dude fetched us on his bike to the beach – where we’d set off in a tiny boat to see the dolphins feed there.
I mean, c’mon, that’s dodgy right? CasparBFG: What are those guys doinG there?! Me: Urm… taking a morning dip..? Haha!
Look at that! So many dolphins!
They all swam merrily in one direction, some flipping as they went along.
It was just such a serene experience, being silent in the cool morning air as we watched the wild dolphins glide at the surface of the water in that dark dark sea.
We headed back to shore where a couple of men were trying to sell us overpriced dolphin-themed jewelry, to which we turned down.
By then it was around 8 am and i was SO sleepy and tired from the previous day’s stressful drive that we crashed for a nap (well i only napped an hour, Caspar got three hours or something, bugger).
I awoke at 9 something to write Justin’s press release in the lobby where the wifi was available.
Noon was the exciting bit where we got to swim with a couple of the dolphins in the resort!
Btw, it cost us 250,000 Rupiah per person for twin-sharing room and to swim with the dolphins, also equivalent to RM100.
This is the female dolphin, who liked CasparBFG better then she did me.
These are the male dolphins who loved me way more then the female one did.
You confuse me when you suddenly perk up and seem alright for a few minutes.
Suddenly you can walk, you bark and bark and you drink your water and eat your apple snacks Mummy bought you.
Then after awhile you return to normal.
Your ‘normal’ being lying around, not being able to move much…
It was so hard to get you our of your kennel to take you to the vet just now.
I couldn’t really reach in and you didn’t have enough strength to come out yourself.
And you growled at me when i tried moving you.
I ran out of the house last night, cos i didn’t want to deal with you emotionally at home.
Somehow it’s easier in a cheating way when i run out, and don’t have to be where you are.
It’s easier when i don’t have to see you like this.
So i went to ——‘s place.
And it was fine, we talked, i told him about DetergentMan and i forgot about you for a while.
Then at around 1am mummy smsed me saying she can’t sleep cos she’s crying so much about you.
And that made me start crying all over again.
You were lying on the floor, and i saw bits of blood from your wounds all over the place.
Looked like a little bit of blood… but from such a small thing like you…
Opening the door, Mummy heard me and looked up from the sofa, her face tear-stained.
Sometimes i feel like if she’s the one crying, then i cant’ be crying as well cos we’d both feel so useless.
But i couldn’t help it and started.
And she sobbed into the pillow she held.
She logged unto her laptop.
“Come and see this,” she asked.
I went to see.
Euthanasia.
It said on the top of the page.
I read it, through my tears.
I understand, i said.
He’s suffering so much, Mummy said.
I know. I said.
Drove you to the vet and they knew it was me again.
Again, this girl with the red hair and the dog who’s always sick.
I was fine in the room, they took your blood for an organ test whilst we explained what has been wrong with you.
Your test came back ten minutes later.
“He’s got liver infection,” said the vet.
I couldn’t help thinking, isn’t this something i should be hearing about myself?
And your kidneys too.
And your white blood cell count.
She said they could hospitalize you, and put you on a drip where they check you every two days.
But you’re old, they said.
I looked at Mummy, “Should we ask about it?”
We didn’t need to say what ‘it’ was about.
So i asked, and the vet told me the price, though price was the last answer i had in mind.
I wanted to know whether you were ready.
Whether it’s right.
Whether i’m doing the right thing by signing the release form.
Mummy didn’t cry the whole time in the vet’s.
And i was thinking ‘Wow, she’s way stronger then i am’ cos i was sobbing like a bitch.
But when she asked me to call Daddy to ask what he thought, she started crying too.
So i went out of the vet to call.
People were staring but i didn’t care.
Whatever they thought didn’t matter cos it was so trivial compared to you.
“What? you’re not doing it today right?” asked Daddy
“No… of course not yet…”
“No. Don’t do it today, bring him back first.”
He kept on repeating bring you back first, bring you back first.
I mean, of course i’d bring you back first.
Takkan we just let you go like that without everyone saying bye first…
I came home, read all the comments ppl left on my blog
They made me laugh and cry at the same time
Only the ones with dogs would understand i guess
Mummy hasn’t even cried since Kung Kung passed away
I… i cry all the time so i guess it’s normal now
But i cry so much when it comes to you
I just feel so sad. And helpless.
And i know you’re old. and you’e suffering.
And i don’t want to see you like this.
And yeah, it’s your time to go.
I wish you could stay longer.
Not longer like how you are now.
But longer in the time you were active and happy.
****************
That was exactly a week ago.
You left us this morning.
And you did it in a wonderful way, you did, and Kanch said so too, “That’s a dog for you.”
You waited till Daddy came downstairs and as he was cleaning the floor, you passed on.
He went out to the back garden to tell Mummy.
Then he called to tell me.
9:39am.
His voice was a bit croaky on the phone.
At first i thought he might be calling to run an errand or something, but when he said your name first, i knew what he was going to say.
And i didn’t cry.
Not at first.
Somehow it didn’t hit.
“I’m coming home now,” i said quietly, and slumped back on bed.
“You’re sad… Who was that?” asked DM.
“That was my dad. My dog passed away this morning.”
I drove home, even though he offered his driver to fetch me.
I know i could still drive. And i just wanted the time alone.
One of the CDs Kevin burnt for me was playing.
And this emo Malay song came on. Something about being young and free.
Mummy called me while i was driving and told me how it happened.
I listened, then when i couldn’t see the road properly i said, “Wait… i’m reaching already, i’m driving now, don’t tell me now.”
As i walked up the driveway, Daddy was cleaning the floor and Mummy sat next to you.
No one said a word.
I was wondering how it’d be like seeing your body… whether it’d gross me out or something.
But you were so peaceful.
You looked like you were sleeping, except no heavy breathing or shivering.
With my sunglasses still on, i stroked your head.
Our tears for you this time were different.
Last week, we were tortured about your condition 24/7.
Today we’re crying for you cos we’ve lost you, but it’s okay.
We’ve lost you today but we had you for almost 14 years.
I know you’re in a different place.
Nick smsed that you’re probably in a place where you’re happily running around and that made me smile cos it’s true.
I can just imagine you yapping around some big Dog Heaven garden, looking all happy clappy with tail-a-wagging, waiting for me to come get you there some day.
You did live a pretty long life for a spaniel and i’m so proud of you.
i’m so proud you’re always so good and loving even in the times i neglected you cos of my busy ‘life’
i’m proud you never whined or make a fuss when i bathed you.
i’m proud you never found fault with neighbouring dogs when i walked you.
i’m proud you always sat patiently looking at everything around you, when i’d talk to Ying for ages in the park last time.
i’m proud you’d always greet me at the gate except when i came back keterlaluan late.
i’m proud i had you.
