Below is a an experience i wrote in March 2015.
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Breathwork by Shellie White Light
I just have to write this before I forget.
I knew I would get a message when I came to Bali. I knew it was time for something and I would get it here. I’d even been preparing to join the spiritual group I’ve been invited to (and I really DO want to join but I keep on partying the night before and never making it).
There was an altar within a hoop set up in the middle of the wantilan. We were all prepped on how our only requirement was to breathe for the next 35 minutes while Shellie facilitated us.
As we all lay down with our heads facing towards the altar, we were all to take deep breaths continuously with two points in between where we would prop ourselves up on our elbows and open our eyes.
I felt SO sleepy when Shellie started talking. It’s like I WANTED to do this, yet I was so so sleepy and felt myself almost drifting into a nap. I couldn’t help it! It’s that similar feeling when you’re in an important 1 million budget meeting and you feel like blacking out despite its magnitude. #canthelpit
Shellie or Shane tapped me twice on the chest to remind me to keep breathing deeply, and that helped. I must say I don’t think I was breathing as deeply as I could have. I can’t explain it anymore than my subconscious ego just didn’t want me to.
It was still in the early stages of the breathwork when I already felt like passing out x10 and when I started trying to breathe as told, my hands started getting numb. Oh no… I thought. I’d felt this before, the one and only time I’d done some active meditation. This time it was worse. My hands got SO numb they clenched into fists and didn’t feel like my own anymore. They got so painful! The sensation went as far up as my elbows and my other body parts started getting numb. My face started quivering, my nose, cheeks, even my eyeballs. My feet started at it as well, working its way up to my knees and thighs. God it was so tiring. I would move my arms and legs, almost writhing on the floor as I tried to make myself bear the discomfort while continuing to breathe. I realised tears were seeping out of my eyes and down the sides of my temples. I was physically crying, but it wasn’t for a reason at the moment, just my BODY reacting to the dynamic shifts it was going through. It was insane.
I knew what it is. I KNOW what it is, yet was kinda unprepared for how strong my reaction would be to this session. Time seemed to expand and stretch and last forever. Each breath felt so DIFFICULT and Shellie truly reminded me of my personal trainer, grilling us on to breathe and not give up. I have no idea how everyone else was faring since we were all so focused on ourselves.
The first time she got us to to prop ourselves up on our elbows and open our eyes, I remember thinking, “Wow, who knew this would be so hard.” We had to to take 50 deep breaths as she counted them and I figured this must be what giving birth must feel like, minus the excruciating pain that has been described to me. My whole body was numb and tears were still draining out of my eyes. My entire being was vibrating. My fists just got more curled up than ever and I tried to take my mind off how painful it felt.
I can’t wait to eat my cake in my room, I thought.
Just get through this and you can eat cake later! Another voice said.
Yes I know, I’ll do this, I’ll be good, and I can eat my cake later!!!
Oh god how can I think about cake at this time?
But cake is so yummy, oh my, eating cake is so much better than feeling THIS right now.
Shellie commented something about how we’re experiencing heaven.
And my thoughts were, No way! This is hell!
By the second time we had to prop ourselves up for the final count of 50 deep breaths, I could feel my sweat drenching the floor beneath my back. I was soaked in sweat. My elbows were so wet I had to use them to bring a cushion closer to me so I could hold myself up without slipping. My hands were completely useless cos they were so numb I couldn’t even feel them anymore.
OK I might be complaining about the physical aspects of it, but mentally, it was the most amazing thing that has happened to me since… birth.
I felt like I was being reborn. I had the very conscious and tangible thought of, “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. In fact… the only thing I can think of that is better, is the day that I was born.”
I just knew that everything I thought to be true, was further proven even tho I never needed proof before. This was the push I needed to focus more on my spirituality instead of being the naughty girl trying to delay her exams.
In my mind, I went through emotions of crying for others in the world, for the people I love in my life that I wished could be experiencing this with me. There was so much to be released, but it felt liberating. Just release, release, release.
I thought about my life… and where I’m headed. And I felt a knowing that I’m doing okay, and that I’m doing the right thing, and to just keep on doing what I’m doing. The changes I’d have to make is to put aside more time for my spiritual life and myself and loved ones, and less work time.
Awesome. Direct order from the Universe!
After all that craziness, as things started calming down, I felt gratitude. For all my hoop beings with me, creating that giant hoop on the ground. For this experience. I cried and cried with gratitude. I cried with happiness. Softly and quietly.
More calmness entered me, and I felt peace. Dark, deep, serene, peace. Like an invisible striaght line drawn across a dark backdrop of nothingness. Nothing to worry about, nothing that bothered me. Nothing. Peace.
Then I thought about him. So strange, he suddenly entered my mind. This happened the first time I went thru active meditation, but this time the thought of him only came at the end. It just felt comforting knowing he’s somewhere in this life with me. I felt love for him, and wished him love.
I saw sacred geometry shapes in my mind’s eye. It was so beautiful. So many different patterns like flowers revolving and unfolding. They looked like they were drawn out of thin black lines on a dark pink background.
When everything stopped, I started weeping very quietly again. This time out of happiness, that I got to experience this. I just felt SO HAPPY.
What a crazy day.
After the whole thing, I went to eat cake with Michelle at The Elephant 🙂
