Oh god i just want sleep.
The idea of sleep never felt so good.
I just want to bury myself in the soft covers,
slip the duvet over the tip of my head,
peek out and know... that i can duck back in.
Things have been insane... with prep for The Ship, and allll the other work that's happening after. I don't know why i do this to myself. WHY. Is it the Asian genes in me? Why can't i just fucking relax and just... BE.
I think my Instagram is very misleading. I post only cool pictures of me doing stuff like getting hand massages and lying around. It's not true! Those were taken during the FEW minutes i had in the entire DAY i could pretend that is my life.
Everyday i think about:
what i have to do today, and tomorrow, the week and month after,
the jobs, and timing, and who i can delegate what out to,
upcoming projects all the way up till June,
my LIFE plan - where i see the company, where i see MYSELF,
invoices, emails, advertorials, editing, product lists, people management...
God just writing that makes me wanna... SLEEP.
I AM SO TIRED
Today i thought about this blogpost i wrote recently about how i wake up feeling SO HAPPY that i had a song playing in my head and i felt like dancing upon rising. That was true.
What is also true, is that i feel the complete opposite on some days.
I didn't think i was gonna admit it here. But i felt like a pretender if i didn't say outright how SHITTY i feel on occasional days. Yesterday was an extremely shitty day. Today was kinda hard as well. I heard it was a full moon yest hence... if you were feeling crap too, you know you can blame it on the Universe and its energy. Well, not *blame*, but... you know what i mean.
So i woke up and i was feeling really sad.
Like, just REALLY SAD.
There was nothing for me to be SAD about. Nothing!
But i just... FELT it.
I messaged one of the spiritual friends turned gurus i fortunately have in my life.
Me: "I feel a little sad today"
S: "What's going on girl?"
Me: "I don't know... i'm still lying in bed despite supposed to have got up. I just want hugs and cuddles and love."
S: "Allow yourself to feel. We can't know how to truly be happy without knowing its polarity."
I know that. There will always be balance in life. Yin and yang. Without darkness there cannot be light. I know you're supposed to FEEL all you have in you. Don't keep it in. Feel it, and let it go (omg Frozen was right). When you suppress your true emotions, you are hurting yourself by burying them in you. That energy is then stuck in you... it needs to be released so you can be free.
Look, i know all this. So i lay there, feeling the sadness and trying to let it all out.
It's better than pretending you're not feeling it, bottling it up, continuing with your day, and then possibly unknowingly aggressively bestowing it on unsuspecting victims around you.
S: "So what happened la"
Me: "Nothing happened! I shouldn't be searching for the reason i'm sad right. Maybe it's work stress."
S: "Keep going"
Me: "Maybe i miss being at home. And just BEING. Maybe i'm overwhelmed?"
Me: "Feel like i'm not doing things right. Or enough."
S: "Why do you feel you need to do right? Or enough."
Me: "Maybe it's my Chinese genes" (me trying to be funny)
S: "Know, that nothing you do will make you any less of a wonderful person. Thus, nothing you do can make you any better or greater. You already are Great. So just do. That thing you do."
And that was my lesson for the day.
That no matter what i do... i am the person i am.
And you are the person you are.
We try our best, and some days we feel crap, some days we feel awesome.
Let's just hug it out.
GOD I NEED A HUG OR MANY MANY HUGS.