Obviously at age 33, many people are asking or strongly hinting at my having children
sometimes they make it seem like a responsibility, like something i HAVE to do

whereas at this point of time, i’m veering off course
tho sometimes i veer back
and forth
back and forth

in my late 20s, i was so clucky, i couldn’t wait to have kids
“But then you went and bought a sports car,” chimed Chelle
True, that must have been when *that* phase ended

From ages 29-33, it went on and off again
Some months, i’d feel like i really really want to have kids
Then others, i’d forget all about it and be really content with where i am

More recently i’ve been experiencing so many CHILDREN in my realm
in Nov/Dec, i spent a lot of time with 2-4 yr olds

It peaked on the ride back from Club Med
the car ride took 3 hours, plus stupid Friday KL traffic, added an additional hour
Before we left Club Med, i enthusiastically planned with Cammy & Kenny & Jun to have steamboat dinner and whiskey to WRAP the holiday up
On the long car ride home, i downed a lot of red wine beforehand at lunch so i could pass out
but unfortunately that only lasted half the ride till i was wide awake
i had a bunch of my hair pulled out, someone threw up, and nobody was happy with the animated movie/baby song playing on screen
i was thinking “ are you fking kidding me, when i was a kid, my only entertainment was to stare out the car window”

At one point, i mentally counted 5 SECONDS when nobody made a squeak and i looked at Cammy with wide eyes, too afraid to say out loud the miracle that had just happened lest i ruin it all
When we arrived back in their apartment in KL, i was ready to go home
Jun was annoyed that i changed my mind about sticking around for dinner
and i said, “What? I’m allowed to change my mind aren’t it, i want to go home. *You* can stay for dinner!”

We managed to reach home just as the sun was setting
i poured myself a glass of wine, stood on my balcony and shouted with outstretched arms (wine glass in hand),

“IT’S SO PEACEFUL WITHOUT CHILDREN!”

The following week, i happened to be reading up about the world’s precise population as of now, its past predictions (that fell to pieces thanks to the Food Revolution), human multiplication, and its impact + implications on the world
End note is: Our planet simply cannot hold us up anymore.
That is my summary at any rate
We are overfishing, destroying vast amounts of land to farm for grain that is in turn used to feed cattle to feed meat to those who can afford/want it (despite the rest of the world going hungry), using way too much energy per human especially in urban areas (i am equally guilty)… …

God it made me feel so bad, i ate fish today and said to Jun, “Do you not feel guilty!? I’m starting to feel bad about eating fish 0_0”
It made me think of how i could live more sustainably while fulfilling my life’s dreams (but that’s for another blogpost)
And then i figured i should just stop worrying and hey, when life happens, it happens
i might suddenly feel like having children in 6 months

It doesn’t help that Jun’s already got boy and girl names figured out
He’d be talking about —— and i’d be like “who?”
And he’d go, “Our daughter!”
Me: WHAT daughter!?!?

Last i checked, we do not have a daughter.
Plants, sure. And some fish in the lotus plant. But no daughter in sight.

When i got my period on the morning of a weekday in the second week of January,
i raised my hands to the heavens in my master bathroom and proclaimed to nobody in particular:
“YES, I’M NOT PREGNANT!!!”

On our trip to Penang to attend his grand aunt’s wake,
there were a few kids around, 3 of which possibly asked me 250 questions in the span of 2 hours
I rather enjoyed it, till they started running in circles around me screaming about god-knows-what
I couldn’t control my face (i never can) with wide bulging eyes
His cousin and aunt were in front of me so i simply said, “I think i’m having culture shock.”

The kids asked me about the tattoos on my hands and arms,
so i slowly showed them off one by one (in retrospect, i’ve now learnt that i should just drag the story on for MUCH longer instead of summarizing it the way i do for adults)
Then they inquisitively asked if i had some on my back
Quickly mentally deciding it would be a bad idea to have to take my shirt off to appease the kids in front of Jun’s older relatives,
i turned their attention to the ones on my ankles, since they were all of cartoons.

First up was my Bambi tattoo on my outer right ankle
they stared at it knowing it was a deer but clueless about who
Me: Do you know who this is? His name starts with a “B”!
Caylene: What is the second letter?
Me: “A”!
Caylene: BALI!
Me: *roars with laughter* no, not Bali!!!!! (tho i love Bali) It’s BAMBI!

*everyones stares at me with blank eyes*

Me: Bambi? You don’t know Bambi? OK well, Bambi is a very well-known cartoon, i’m SURE your mum and dad know it. You should just ask them

Then on to the next tattoo, which was Peter Rabbit on my inner left ankle.

“A rabbit!”
“Girl rabbit!”
Me: Actually, he’s a boy rabbit. He’s Peter Rabbit!

*kids super not interested and twisting my other ankles around*

The tattoo on my inner right ankle is a My Little Pony (Rainbow Dash cos she looks the best)
Caylene: It’s a unicorn!
Me: No, it’s a My Little Pony!
Celine: *screams* RAINBOW DASH!!!
Me: *practically screams back in pride* YES!!! It’s RAINBOW DASH!!!!
Girls: Ooh….!

That took all of 3 minutes by the way.
There were many other moments they took all our beer away, and kidnapped the peanuts

Jun made up this brilliant game of who could sit on their chair the longest, with the promise of a prize.
“Now you have to get a proper prize, cos if you don’t, they’ll always remember that Uncle Jun lies and they’ll never believe you again! It’s true. *I* remember,” i said.
He slunk off to get a pink panda chocolate snack box from the 7-E next door.
Too bad he forgot the cigarettes to calm my nerves.

Despite the noise, the kids were still fun and i ended up carrying some
and even peeing in the bathroom before i can get out (another story)
But… i was SO TIRED when i left

Jun wondered what was wrong with me in the car and i said, “Can i just have a moment of silence? I just spent hours layaning kids, we went hiking for hours, i’m tired, it’s 1 am, i’m hungry, and i would like a strong drink.”

He poured me a whiskey on the rocks when we got back, good man.

So now, i’m back to the same hypothesis – i don’t feel the desire to have children today.
Sure they’re nice to play with for 5 seconds but i like to give them back after.
(Today i couldn’t give them back, i just had to continue conversing with them.
My next hypothesis is how i treat them how i want them to treat me.)
Plants are so much more… peaceful.

My current reasons to not have children:

1. World is overpopulated
2.  Children are expensive. i can just use a quarter (or much less) of the $ i’m gonna spend on them on someone to take care of me when i’m old
3. They’re so much effort
4. They’re noisy
5. Basically, they never stop.

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