It’s amazing how many things can happen in 24 hours.
Melissa’s father passed away last night from cancer.
When i heard the news on my whatsapp, i was in the bedroom with Clem who was having a sudden back pain and had to go to the hospital all day today for an x-ray and ultrasound.
This morning i got news that Jeremy lost his battle with cancer.
What a sucky day.
I admit that i don’t feel it… i manage to block it out, distract myself with work, till i’m in the car.
I realise that my alone time and meditative moments are in my car.
Cos when i drive, i run on autopilot.
My mind is calm.
It’s empty and allows all these thoughts that i need to ponder upon to settle in.
And this is the time i cannot run away.
I think about Melissa’s dad, and how difficult it is to lose a father.
I think about Jeremy. And how undeserving it is that he had to go so soon.
HOW SHORT LIFE IS.
My throat blocks up, my eyes blur, and suddenly i need to get ahold of myself else i’d get into an accident.
Ok fine. I actually got into an accident today during rush hour.
I think i just had so much on my mind, and i LOOKED into the side mirror and only saw a car far away, so i turned to switch lanes, then BANG. I swerved right into another car, and was so shocked myself cos i didn’t expect it.
Whatever. It’s just a small car accident.
In retrospect of the lives that are missed today, it’s nothing.
Knowing that lives around me are moving on to another plane so swiftly… makes me want to live even harder. Ever since my uncle’s and Ami’s passing, i keep thinking to myself, “What if today was my last day? What would i do NOW?” And i do it.
Sometimes i make people mad cos i’m not doing what they want me to do.
Sometimes i disappoint the social expectancy in my own mind cos i’m doing what i hope myself to do.
But in the end… who is to judge me?
As long as i’m a good person, and i’m doing what i FEEL is RIGHT in my heart, i’m wondering, what else is there for me to learn and extend my reach for in life? What am i reaching for?
Am i exploring the depths of my individual spirituality and yearning to grasp its meaning before i leave this earth?
Am i to make a difference in others’ lives here as to expand the meaning of my own?
Am i do delve deeper into the core of LIVING, in being simple and finding peace in nothing by my actual existence?
So many questions.
I wish there was someone i could ask and whom could answer all my childish queries.
Inside, i know that i just have to go on.
Continue, be positive, and discover my journey.
With the passing of a handful in my life in the past months,
i’ve come to appreciate life for more that it is.
For more than what i’ve taken for granted over the past decade.
Health is truly wealth.
Money is great, if you know how to feel about it and how to spend it properly.
I think too many people think too much about money, including myself.
In the end, it’s what we make of ourselves that brings us into a higher level when we leave.
God bless all their souls.
Now i also think about the people i have no idea about,
who are suffering, who are dying, who are sick.
The best i can do for myself is to continue living the best i can.
The same motto i always had when i was young, and now i know, what i will always hold on to.
I will try to be the best i can be, while i’m here, while i’m around.
I will travel as far and wide as i can,
see as much, love, laugh, experience,
make others experience, teach, initiate, explore.
In the end, i have to go, just like them.
And when it happens, i want to breathe my last and think: “Goddamn, i did good.”