I know i always say i’m busy,
but i’ve been so busy that
i worked thru the 2nd end of the Raya week
slept at 2am on Sunday morning (blog work)
woke up at 8am to go to the office
and have been in rushful rat race since.

A few things have happened since a week ago.

First. I found out that my old babysitter has cancer.
I didn’t want to write anything about this before.
Cos i didn’t know what to write.
I didn’t know what to say.
And i think i was just… accepting and letting it all sink in.

Many of my generation had babysitters when we were born, right up till primary school.
This was just while my parents were at work so they could continue bringing in the bread while having someone watch over my brother and i.
My babysitter is like… my second mother.
She cleaned up my shit, taught me how to talk,
scolded me when i was naughty,
ignored me when i sulked for hours the floor,
laughed at my childish silliness,
and watched me grow up.
I spent so many hours and days of my growing up years with her and her husband.

My mother broke the news to my dad and i when we were having dinner last week.
I felt a painful lump in my throat and dug my nails into my leg so i wouldn’t cry.
Cos i’m an adult. A big girl.
And big girls don’t cry.

I mentioned it Clem in the car then clamped up.
Didn’t want to talk about it cos we were on way to friend’s house and i didn’t want to spoil the night.
And… i just didn’t talk about it to him or anyone for a few days after that.
I couldn’t take talking about it cos i knew i would break.
And i hate breaking in front of people.

So i broke on my own.
When Clem wasn’t around me,
or when work wasn’t consuming me,
the thoughts would enter,
and i’d weep in the
kitchen while i’m cooking
bathroom while i’m bathing
car while i’m driving.

Also. I must admit i was a total pain to Clem for a few days.
Bitchy. Bad. Rude.
I finally had to admit to him WHY i was being so difficult.
And we had to talk about it.
About cancer.
About the thoughts i had in my head.
About me worrying about the people i love dying.
About the possibility of my parents getting the same damn thing.
About him or me in the future going through it.

“We have to accept that we’re all going to die some day… and it could be because of cancer,” he said seriously.
Think that made me cry all the more.

I know cancer.
But all of a sudden, i FEEL it.
I feel it near me, 1 degree away.
Instead of 2 degrees like my mother’s friend,
an aquaintance,
or a friend’s relative.

I’m… angry.
So angry.
Angry that this disease is plaguing someone so undeserving of it.

I happened to have some unplanned time alone with Oli before we met up with the rest to discuss Cammy’s hen’s night.
And she said how she missed her dad who passed away from cancer 9 months ago.
“The last time i saw him was 9 months ago… and i’ll never see him again. I miss him so much.”
I was like shit you’re going to make me cry.
We sat there trying unsuccessfully not to cry in the middle of Bangsar.

Shit. How did this post get to be only about this.
I meant to write about other stuff
but now it seems… frivolous.

The past week i’ve been thinking so much more about life.
I always think about life – how i want to live it, what i want to do.
This time it was more on… where do i think we go after life here?
Personally i think we become bright stars of blue light,
floating amongst other blue stars.
All equal.

Then it made me think of my life here. Now.
And all the things i want to change or make happen.
I want to spend more time with my family.
I want to travel to every corner of the earth i possibly can.
I want to have children.
I want to build something i can be proud of.
I want to dispel any negativity that corrupts my mind.
I want to stop complaining.

Well, that’s my list for now.

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