You know…
I thought that when i’m past 25,
all these unnecessary episodes of friends being dramatic would be over.
I thought i would know better in picking out who
i hang out with
tell my secrets to (not like i have many!)
and be myself with
wouldn’t be a subject i would have to think about.
Oh.
I am wrong.
Two nights ago,
A close manfriend told me something otherwise.
And… to be honest, i wanted to be strong.
I didn’t want to the be person who gets affected by things they hear.
I don’t want to be the kind of person who lets friends get them down.
But.
Even after thinking i CAN be that kind of person who pushes things out of their mind.
I’m not like that.
It bothers me.
I’m not going to deny it.
IF FUCKING BOTHERS ME.
The person it involves is someone i put so much trust in.
Someone whom i would have named in my personal Top 20 list of Ppl I Would Trust.
Shows how much i know.
-_-
I decided that despite knowing said person’s intentions,
i’m not going to confront, nor tell others about it.
Cos it’s not my responsibility,
nor do i have anything to gain from it.
If i did tell people about her,
it would just be in my gain
to make people stay away from her.
And i’m not going to do that.
Everyone has their own path and decision to make
when they mix with people.
And me telling others ‘you shouldn’t mix with someone’
is not in my nature.
I just think that:
People change.
Maybe they might change when they meet you.
And it’s not fair if i speak bad of them because
they might be different from when i knew them.
So.
I’m not going to say anything.
I must say though,
that it really hurt me when i found out about it.
Cos… like i said,
i thought i would know better by now.
But apparently (and according to my old friends who know me so well)
I have horrible judgment in character.
I told Ash bout it just now,
and she said i really don’t know how to tell what ppl are like.
I just went “:(”
And i told Shan.
And she said “you know, i wanted to tell you last time, but it wasn’t my place to do so.”
I told her i understood her predicament,
cos i believe in the same.
Bah.
I AM disappointed.
I really thought that after so many years of socialising,
so many people that i meet day in and day out,
the types of characters that i see…
i would know how to pick who i think are good people and are not.
And still i am wrong!!!
I’m… surprised and upset.
Really.
I’m not even angry.
At all.
I’m just sad to the point of crying
that i put SO much trust in you
and i spoke so much good of you to everyone i bumped into
I ALWAYS said how i think how amazing you are
and now i hear from more than one person
how you’ve been bad mouthing me
it doesn’t make me angry at all
just really
really
sad
…
it also makes me think how stupid and naive i can be sometimes.
i don’t want to change myself to be more jaded.
i still want to treat people how i feel like treating them.
but people like you make it hard for me sometimes.
that’s all i have to say.
I’m just gonna leave it be.
Leave it be.
The truth will alway prevail.
That’s what i believe in.
It doesn’t have to be me who knows the truth will prevail.
But it will, in other forces and times.
I’m just gonna let go,
let live,
and concentrate on myself.
i don’t have time nor energy to change people like you.
it’s your loss, and not mine,
as you’ve lost a friend in me.
its ok joyce. its a lesson well learnt. just stay away from that sorta person. At least you know who she is now right?
π
sorry to hear that dahling.
better luck in the future… now who is it?!
*big hugs* (publicly). π
Babe,
Just know you’re the bigger person, in your friendship with the said person then and you’re still the bigger person now – that’s what matters most. To know yourself and to stay true to who you are despite the unforseen changed circumstances. It takes people like you to make a lot of people like me to believe that as daunting as life can be at times, it only gets better afterwards.
Big hugs!
Nisha
hi Fairy, celestial beings do fuck-up on shite like that too, huh??!!
your senses & perception become keener to serve you better, as you age. there’s no marker or sticker on forehead to label assholes, so it’s kinda like take them on as they roll in.
i for one feels that folks, in general, do the things that they do for self-preservation. then there are those who are cerebrally challenged…perhaps your ‘friend’ falls under this category, if it is of any consolation to you.
hey girl,
i’ve been following ur blog since the month of september 09. i found ur link from Kennysia which he describes u as someone who plays hard and works hard.
i must say, you have been an inspiration icon to me. and as i read more of your previous blogs, i see the naive and simple you. really. you just wanna have fun and make frens and be yourself.
girl,
i am a 23 undergraduate, and i cannot deny what u are facing now is what we all is facing too. Age doesnt set the boundary of not making mistakes in making frens nor trusting the wrong one again.
Put it this way,
think that it is lucky that u got this wake up call. and someone actually cares for you to tell u this or maybe too nosy..anyway, at least they feel that you need to know and they wanted to reveal the truth.
this is a task, a challenge, so stand up, and stand firm. you are who you are! the truth will prevail!
Smile again! and i really love ur life! keep it up girl!
Hugs!
I have been following your blog for ages now and this post really hits the spot cause i can truly comprehend your state of mind now. While its cliche to tell you that everything happens for a reason, I believe you will look at this episode one day and realize that it was necessary to have experienced it, as a collection of “tools” in your life’s journey. I applaud your magnanimity in not resorting to the shortlived-oh-so-easy way-to-deal-with-my-anger/sadness route of telling everyone about the person’s true face…that levelheadedness is a true testament of one’s character and maturity. I wished I was so levelheaded when I was your age!! Cheerios. BW
First Comment on your site.
Been reading for awhile.
Anyway, thought some music might perk your spirits up.
It’s BBC radio 1 four hours New Year Mix.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b00pfn3z
Yah it happens, what to do. No one is perfect judge of character and the only people who don’t get burned are those who live their lives closed to everyone else – which is not a happy way to live.
Sometimes you just have to trust, if not your soul will die and then where will you be.
You won’t be Joyce any more right?
hey J,
wow. u are one really nice girl. i cant even name 3 ppl’s name that i trust. maybe it is time for u to look at the list again. whatever it is, u are living it, and they are only mouthing it. -peace-
Joyce, we met at TIC events. u know, I think almost everyone have experienced this kind of things. A friend of mine went through the same, and the girl is our bff too. I really dont know why anyone would hurt their friends,and I know it is so hurtful to have a friend like this. I really respect you for not telling people about it. If it is me, I might tell the whole wide world. Then again, maybe I wont. But just so you know, ur very strong in making the decision not to tell. It is her loss, and you know what ? Maybe shes jealous of you because you’re you so she decided to cover her insecurities by being a bitch. So whos the winner now ? Still you. Be strong Kiss Kiss.
Be strong fairy. love love <3
if i were in your shoes i would have confronted that person and talk shit about this person to anyone i can lay my hands on till kingdom comes but that’s just me. i suppose it is better to just ignore it and let time unveils his/her true colours. real friends will love you warts and all so don’t la deprive them of the awesomesauce joyce just because there’s an asshole who can’t handle it.
hmmm…time will heal everything! cheer up girl! u still have lots of trust worthy frens around !! take k ya!! π
waaa you at least can think of 20 people u can trust.
i maybe can think of 5 only. FML.
*hugs* at least you have the other 19 right? π
Makes life a whole lot more challenging. It gets worse when we thing we know too well. Better have this mistake than to make a bigger one in the future. I’ve had my own too. π I thought I was wise enough but apparently not. But guess what, my parents and their friends are going through the same thing too. It’s common.
*hugz*
that’s life……u tot u knew but u didnt.
p/s love yr outfit @ axwell….
yeah me too! always wrong at choosing the right people to trust. you just have to be careful la. anyways, dont let this small things bothers you coz im pretty sure you have a bunch of awesome friends and family who cares.
now, go listen to the bethoven remix and be happy!
I enjoys reading your blog. It is totally an opposite of me. I am no expert when it comes to socializing, but here is what I would like to say as word of encouragement for you.
Too bad some of people that were lucky to have you as a friend, but never know how to appreciate you. Think at the brighter side, sometimes things like this happen; but it build the inner self stronger and make you a better person.
Cheerios, gurl!!! Don’t let the monster rip off your wings, kinkybluefairy. π
Its sad when people you know become people you knew.
When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them.
Cheer up, Joyce. You deserve better.
[…] Just When You Think You Know Better at Kinky Blue Fairy […]
it happened in school, in college, at work.
it happends all the time, everywhere, to everyone.
but i still believe in trusting, and believing.
nevermind that my trust was betrayed, but i believe in karma.and believe in doing unto others what i want done unto myself. it may be silly and naive, but i also believe that nothing can ever break my spirit.
you’re a fairy. believe in your own magic.
Thanks for all the comments, read them all. admit i wrote that when i was tipsy and upset >.< else if i left it till next morning i wouldn't have..! Teng: "thereβs no marker or sticker on forehead to label assholes" haha WTF ivy the vain: thanks for the longggg comment π BW: thanks for the compliment. I would say i owe my behavior to the other ppl i surround myself with! alex: listening while doing work π ST: that ees true! i will not fall prey to it all! nooo! mt: damn, i think you just said i'm too trusting in one single comment -_- nadia: haha thanks... >.o
kimcun: woah, mental note: never make kim angry!
Darling there is a reason why someone would badmouth you. Possibly because it is just the plain truth…..
You do have an incredibly bad reputation as a social whore and you would do better to improve people’s perception of you. Men talk! and many dislike you…its karma and you have to pay.
i’m ok ppl badmouthing me if it’s true π and don’t call me darling π
DARLING,
I AM MASHED/STONED AND HAVE SPENT THE LAST 4 HOURS (NOT SURE HOW LONG IT’S BEEN, REALLY) OF MY DAY PERUSING THOUGH ALMOST YOUR ENTIRE BLOG. OK, NOT PERUSING, I’M NOT A BIG READER, SO I’LL JUST SAY I’VE BEEN SKIMMING THROUGH IT LOOKING AT PICS OF CHICKS MOSTLY. BUT THERE WERE A FEW OF YOUR ARTICLES, E.G. THIS ONE, THAT FOR WHATEVER REASON I READ FROM START TO END. I’M NOT REALLY A BLOG READER, AND I ACTUALLY DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, DARLING, BUT IT’S CLEAR TO ME FROM YOUR POSTS THAT YOU’RE A FAIRLY PROMINENT OR AT LEAST POPULAR LADY IN KL (I’M NOT IN MALAYSIA MOST OF THE TIME, SO PARDON MY IGNORANCE, DARLING).
MAYBE ITS THE WEED, OR THE WHATEVER ELSE, BUT I FEEL THE NEED TO POST THIS COMMENT TO GIVE YOU THE ONLY OPINION I HAVE OF YOU AFTER READING THIS FAR. AS SOMEONE WHO HAS LOOKED THROUGH BRIEF DETAILS FROM THE PAST 5 OR SO YEARS OF YOUR LIFE IN THE LAST 4 HOURS(PUBLICISED DETAILS AS THEY MAY BE, I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT THEY DO REFLECT AT LEAST A MINOR ASPECT OF YOUR PERSONALITY),I FEEL I AM IN A GOOD POSITION COMMENT. I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, YOU’VE GROWN UP A LOT (IF I HADN’T TYPED UP THIS WHOLE THING IN CAPS, THE WORDS “A LOT” WOULD BE THE ONLY WORDS IN CAPS), AND YOU SEEM FAR FAR WISER NOW THAN YOU DID 2-3 HOURS AGO. BUT OF COURSE, DARLING, I AM SURE YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE OF YOURSELF.
I HAVE NO INTENTION OF OFFENDING YOU WITH THIS COMMENT, ON THE CONTRARY, I HOPE IT WILL IN SOME WAY PROVIDE YOU WITH A DARLING MOMENT TO CHEER YOU UP (OR AT LEAST A DISTRACTION). I AM A RATHER INTELLIGENT PERSON (AND ALSO QUITE ARROGANT), SO I HOPE YOU WILL NOT TAKE WHAT I SAY TO BE A TOTAL JOKE. YOU SEE, DARLING, I HAVE ALSO RECENTLY BEEN ‘LET DOWN’ BY A FEMALE ‘FRIEND’ OF MINE (WHICH IS EVIDENTLY WHY I AM NOW PUTTING SOME PHARMACEUTICALS TO GOOD USE) WHO I CONSIDERED TO BE VERY CLOSE TO ME. THE CLOSEST, IN FACT. VIA THE DISAPPOINTMENT, I LOST A PORTION OF MYSELF, AS WELL AS A SUBSTANTIAL PORTION OF MY WEALTH.
DARLING,
MY AWARD WINNING ADVICE TO YOU IS: CHARACTER IS IMPOSSIBLE TO JUDGE, LET ALONE TO COMPREHEND. THERE IS ONLY ENOUGH ROOM IN THE HUMAN MIND AND HEART TO COMPLETELY, EXHAUSTIVELY, AND ABSOLUTELY TRUST TWO PEOPLE AT A TIME. YOURSELF, AND IF YOU’RE LUCKY ENOUGH, ONE OTHER. THERE CAN NEVER BE MORE, PEOPLE CAN ONLY SPEAK OF AND ‘BELIEVE’ IN THAT FALSE POSSIBILITY.
I AM PRETTY STONED (AMONGST OTHER THINGS), AND I HIGHLY DOUBT I WILL REMEMBER WHAT I SPENT TONIGHT DOING ONCE I PASS OUT/BLACK OUT. SO IT’S SAFE TO SAY I WON’T BE VISITING HERE AGAIN INTENTIONALLY. IF I DO REMEMBER, OR HAPPEN TO STUMBLE UPON THIS PAGE AGAIN, I WOULD LOVE TO READ MORE ABOUT YOU. OR AT LEAST LOOK AT MORE PICS OF CHICKS.
BE SMART AND TAKE CARE, DARLING.
-DARLING.
“THE CLOSEST, IN FACT. VIA THE DISAPPOINTMENT, I LOST A PORTION OF MYSELF, AS WELL AS A SUBSTANTIAL PORTION OF MY WEALTH. ”
Ouch… i’m sorry to hear that… thanks for the longest comment anyone has ever written on my blog. like ever!
I don’t sometimes comment on websites but I had to drop by and say thank you for writing this, I absolutely agree and with some luck other people will understand where you are comin from.