Last Monday, I Wrote:

Comments (51) Emo, People & Beings

You confuse me when you suddenly perk up and seem alright for a few minutes.
Suddenly you can walk, you bark and bark and you drink your water and eat your apple snacks Mummy bought you.

Then after awhile you return to normal.
Your ‘normal’ being lying around, not being able to move much…
It was so hard to get you our of your kennel to take you to the vet just now.
I couldn’t really reach in and you didn’t have enough strength to come out yourself.
And you growled at me when i tried moving you.

I ran out of the house last night, cos i didn’t want to deal with you emotionally at home.
Somehow it’s easier in a cheating way when i run out, and don’t have to be where you are.
It’s easier when i don’t have to see you like this.

So i went to ——‘s place.
And it was fine, we talked, i told him about DetergentMan and i forgot about you for a while.
Then at around 1am mummy smsed me saying she can’t sleep cos she’s crying so much about you.
And that made me start crying all over again.

You were lying on the floor, and i saw bits of blood from your wounds all over the place.
Looked like a little bit of blood… but from such a small thing like you…
Opening the door, Mummy heard me and looked up from the sofa, her face tear-stained.
Sometimes i feel like if she’s the one crying, then i cant’ be crying as well cos we’d both feel so useless.
But i couldn’t help it and started.
And she sobbed into the pillow she held.

She logged unto her laptop.
“Come and see this,” she asked.
I went to see.
It said on the top of the page.
I read it, through my tears.
I understand, i said.
He’s suffering so much, Mummy said.
I know. I said.

Drove you to the vet and they knew it was me again.
Again, this girl with the red hair and the dog who’s always sick.

I was fine in the room, they took your blood for an organ test whilst we explained what has been wrong with you.
Your test came back ten minutes later.
“He’s got liver infection,” said the vet.
I couldn’t help thinking, isn’t this something i should be hearing about myself?
And your kidneys too.
And your white blood cell count.
She said they could hospitalize you, and put you on a drip where they check you every two days.
But you’re old, they said.

I looked at Mummy, “Should we ask about it?”
We didn’t need to say what ‘it’ was about.
So i asked, and the vet told me the price, though price was the last answer i had in mind.
I wanted to know whether you were ready.
Whether it’s right.
Whether i’m doing the right thing by signing the release form.

Mummy didn’t cry the whole time in the vet’s.
And i was thinking ‘Wow, she’s way stronger then i am’ cos i was sobbing like a bitch.
But when she asked me to call Daddy to ask what he thought, she started crying too.
So i went out of the vet to call.
People were staring but i didn’t care.
Whatever they thought didn’t matter cos it was so trivial compared to you.

“What? you’re not doing it today right?” asked Daddy
“No… of course not yet…”
“No. Don’t do it today, bring him back first.”

He kept on repeating bring you back first, bring you back first.
I mean, of course i’d bring you back first.
Takkan we just let you go like that without everyone saying bye first…

I came home, read all the comments ppl left on my blog
They made me laugh and cry at the same time
Only the ones with dogs would understand i guess
Mummy hasn’t even cried since Kung Kung passed away
I… i cry all the time so i guess it’s normal now
But i cry so much when it comes to you
I just feel so sad. And helpless.
And i know you’re old. and you’e suffering.
And i don’t want to see you like this.
And yeah, it’s your time to go.
I wish you could stay longer.

Not longer like how you are now.
But longer in the time you were active and happy.

That was exactly a week ago.

You left us this morning.

And you did it in a wonderful way, you did, and Kanch said so too, “That’s a dog for you.”
You waited till Daddy came downstairs and as he was cleaning the floor, you passed on.
He went out to the back garden to tell Mummy.
Then he called to tell me.

His voice was a bit croaky on the phone.
At first i thought he might be calling to run an errand or something, but when he said your name first, i knew what he was going to say.
And i didn’t cry.
Not at first.
Somehow it didn’t hit.

“I’m coming home now,” i said quietly, and slumped back on bed.
“You’re sad… Who was that?” asked DM.
“That was my dad. My dog passed away this morning.”

I drove home, even though he offered his driver to fetch me.
I know i could still drive. And i just wanted the time alone.
One of the CDs Kevin burnt for me was playing.
And this emo Malay song came on. Something about being young and free.

Mummy called me while i was driving and told me how it happened.
I listened, then when i couldn’t see the road properly i said, “Wait… i’m reaching already, i’m driving now, don’t tell me now.”

As i walked up the driveway, Daddy was cleaning the floor and Mummy sat next to you.
No one said a word.
I was wondering how it’d be like seeing your body… whether it’d gross me out or something.

But you were so peaceful.
You looked like you were sleeping, except no heavy breathing or shivering.

With my sunglasses still on, i stroked your head.

Our tears for you this time were different.
Last week, we were tortured about your condition 24/7.
Today we’re crying for you cos we’ve lost you, but it’s okay.
We’ve lost you today but we had you for almost 14 years.

I know you’re in a different place.
Nick smsed that you’re probably in a place where you’re happily running around and that made me smile cos it’s true.
I can just imagine you yapping around some big Dog Heaven garden, looking all happy clappy with tail-a-wagging, waiting for me to come get you there some day.

You did live a pretty long life for a spaniel and i’m so proud of you.
i’m so proud you’re always so good and loving even in the times i neglected you cos of my busy ‘life’
i’m proud you never whined or make a fuss when i bathed you.
i’m proud you never found fault with neighbouring dogs when i walked you.
i’m proud you always sat patiently looking at everything around you, when i’d talk to Ying for ages in the park last time.
i’m proud you’d always greet me at the gate except when i came back keterlaluan late.
i’m proud i had you.

You always did like lying at my feet while i did my work at the pc.

51 Responses to Last Monday, I Wrote:

  1. Joanne says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost my cat of 10 years yesterday from chronic renal failure. What made it worse was the fact I had to put her down myself (I’m a vet), and it was the most difficult thing I had to do in my life.
    Rejoice that you have had his love for so long, and that he is now no longer in pain. My condolences.

  2. -j0hn- says:

    Hey Joyce, i m jst one of the thousands of reader of your blog… jst a person who treat dogs like part of the family.. not jst a pet..

    Understand how you feel.. but i guess u did the right thing, bringing the dog back home and let him be close to all of your family members. It would be a better place him to ‘go’. I own a number of dogs before. Some of them, got stolen, 1 died coz of knocked down by car, was too young to noe wat happened. The onli 1, that I still have memory of, and really sad when she passed away was my Labrador. She ‘went away’ peacefully in her favourite spot. I guess..even dogs noe that it’s time up for them..when comes to old age..

    Currently having another Miniature Pinscer, 14yrs i guess. He used to like running out of the house n wander as far as he could. But now..even the door was wide open, he jst stayed n watched me..driving into the house.. and hoping that i would brush his head..

    I guess, it’s jst like humans at times, seeing every1 for the final time..and hoping to pass away tht they call home, where they’ve live for so many yrs. Dont be too sad over about it.. if u can imagine how fun and happy he’s up in heaven, playin with the other dogs..and bark as happily as he used to be when he was younger, i guess you would have a smile back on ur face. πŸ™‚

    He has definitely served you well, as a friend, and family! He’s proud to have your family and you as his family too!

  3. kimberlycun says:

    so sorry for your loss. stay strong babe.

  4. Jay says:

    it is always hard to lose a pet. i bawled my eyes out when my cat of 2 mths got knocked by a car n died. ur ‘eulogy ‘ of steven the spaniel brought tears to my eyes.

    stay strong. we will always have the memories spent wit them close to our hearts.

  5. jessbabe says:

    I’m sorry bout Steven. Although my baby Max was only with me for 8 years, he meant everything to me. It takes time but you’ll heal and move on. Reading this post, made me cry.. brought the memories of my baby. I think this is what we have to go through. Birth and Death.

    Be bold and cherish the memories you had together. Like many told me, he’ll be above looking at you all the time wondering why are you crying.

    Cheers babe.

  6. Rachy says:

    just by reading what you wrote. just by imagining steven when he was alive and running free. he is still very much alive and running free, in your heart. my tears dropped, my heart ache a lil. i miss my doggie of 11 years. she was not of fancy breed. she’s just some stray dog that decided that my lawn was the best place she could find to give labor. and she stayed on ever since. she stayed on when we move from houses to houses. she stayed on even when all her puppies are being given away. she stayed on watching her own offsprings died of old and sickness. she’s even there when we move out from perak to penang. i sat with her in my car and she just refused to sleep. instead her eyes are fixed to the road. she is a strong dog. my mom used to call her Doll. bcoz she got such beautiful eyes. i miss you. one day she just passed away. when i was sleeping. and i didnt get to say goodbye. but im sure i still feel ur presence around. mom has the same thoughts too. we loved you. i hope you know that.

  7. Purple Rose says:

    I cried reading the part where you mentioned the dog is now in a place happily running around. I hope mine will be doing the same too. It’s true that no one will ever understand unless they have a dog as part of the family for more than a decade.

  8. su says:

    I dont know why but I just cry when I read this post.Im so sorry for ur loss..stay strong ya..I believe Steven is in Doggie Heaven now.I dont think he wana see u sad too..

  9. B says:

    Tears were welling up in my eyes as i read this. I can’t say anything different than what anyone else would say. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. Regardless, from one stranger to another, I am really sorry for your loss because I can hardly imagine what you’re going thru.

    I don’t know what I would’ve done when the time comes for mine. He’s young, about 2 years old and if the thought of losing a loved one is unbearable, what more the most loyal creature on earth who comes scratching at the front door when he hears the jingle of your keys.

    But find solace in the fact that he brought joy to your life and your family. It’s that one part of your heart that is yours and no one else’s.

  10. anon says:

    *hugs fairy*

  11. thegeekinpink says:

    sob. *hugs* he looks so lovely. i was giving my three dogs a bath just now and while washing the foam off them, i was thinking whether your dog is alright now. and I guess he is πŸ™‚

    happy dog heaven. maybe your dog and my other dog, the one who passed away too Taugey will be friends! HRM.

    happy thoughts πŸ™‚ hugs babe.

  12. sharon says:

    I am sobbing like a bitch now. Dearest Steven is indeed in a better place. May his doggie soul rest in peace.

  13. rizal_a says:

    well…dis has got 2b ur saddest posting ever…he’s in doggy heaven nw, so u shldnt feel so sad…i know its easy 2 say, but rather than dwell on his passing – wldnt it bring smiles n laughter 2 ur life if u reflected on the 14 years u hv had with him? uve been very2 lucky 2 hv him 4 so long…not many of us hv such lengthy tenure with our loved 1s…pets i mean of course…pets who after a certain time become part of the family…u still hv mummy n daddy…n just so u know, dere r ppl out dere who lost many a loved 1s, n still think its all still a dream…alas…the url below is a blog done by a wife as a dedication to her recently deceased husband…dis is really2 sad bcoz she writes from the heart…made me realize that we shld neva take our loved 1s 4 granted, 2 or 4 feet notwithstanding…u tk care joyce, n i hope u come out a stronger person despite dis trying time…

  14. lynndhia says:

    take care hun
    stay strong *hugs*

  15. sarah says:

    Steven’s so beautiful..I really know how you feel. I treat my dogs like part of the family too. Just know that he’s healthy now and I’m sure he’ll always remember you. *hugs*

  16. FeR says:

    sorry to hear about Steven…understand about the crying, too.

    but he’s good now – he’s at a good place without suffering.

  17. weijie says:

    i’m sorry for your loss.
    i have spaniels too. and they mean the world to me.
    you’re right,only people with dogs can truly understand how it feels to lose one.stay strong.

  18. carrot says:

    i read your blog often but don’t really comment much.
    sorry about steven. *hugs*

  19. Imbi&Itchy says:

    your post made me cry. stay strong joyce.

  20. Jian says:

    hey, it’s me. we met at the Met’s anniversary even a few weeks back. i am so sorry to hear the news. i am sure he was a great dog. i lost my dog in May this year too. i was devastatec as anyone would be.

    hold it up.

  21. Danielle says:

    This is very touching and I’m crying even though I barely know you, or your dog. Losing a pet is hard, but I know you’re a strong girl.

  22. Fii says:

    Joyce,the strongest kinkybluefairy ever.
    Steven’s proud to be your dear friend. =)

  23. sooyin says:

    first time commenting although i’ve been reading your blog for ages. i’m really sorry to hear about steven…

  24. rach says:

    i’m jz emo, i cried when i was readin this blog as if i can feel the pain. my son, Richie, silky terrier 4 yrs old was injured a yr ago, badly bitten by some stray dogs, the wound was deep, i can even see the bone, very awful, blood eveywhere. that time i was in college, he was bitten in the morning and my grandma only dare to tell me about it when it’s already evening. luckily he’s stil alive. I think it feels exactly like how you’re losing steven, very strong feelings as if u wish u can bare his pain. my condolenses to u.

  25. eiko-chan says:

    I’m sorry to hear about Steven leaving, please do stay strong.

  26. Stephney says:

    Your post made me cry, i truly understand what you’re going through. Don’t hold ur tears, cry it out loud and u’ll feel better. Time heals. Take care =]

  27. pinkpau says:

    sorry to hear abt your loss, joyce πŸ™ hugssssss for you and steven, who by now is in a happier place.

  28. Eve says:

    this is the first blog i cried while reading it.

    All dogs goes to heaven. Your steven is at a much better place for him now

  29. Janice says:

    Ya, “Only the ones with dogs would understand”.
    BaiBai is still with me, but sometimes I can’t help thinking what will happen to me if I lose him. The thought alone makes me cry.

    Take care *hugs*

  30. whitetulips says:

    u made me shed a tear while i was reading this. I have my own pup only for 4 months and we have already bonded so closely. i cannot imagine losing her now, wat more 13+ years later..


  31. doglover says:

    Sorry to hear about your dog… he looked very peaceful, just like my Bud when she passed away at home last year. Condolence to you and your family..

  32. Cyn says:


    I know how you feel baby

  33. Karen C says:

    It is true what you said that only dog lovers will understand the kind of loss and grieve you are feeling now. I have been an ardent reader of your blog, and most of the time,I am a read and run reader, but after reading this post, I knew I just had to comment in here made me cry. (thanks for ruining my mascara).

    This is a topic close to my heart not just because I am a dog lover but because I have come to deal with such losses in my life. I have always grown up with dogs around me, so far my family had, had almost 10 dogs past and present. Oh plus one cat too.

    Have always bonded with all 10 dogs plus one cat. People who don’t own pets will see them as well..just ‘pets, but people like you and I know that they are closer than any blood family can get.

    My first ever experience with a loss of a pet was when my 3rd puppy died of a sudden sickness. We tried everything we could, took him to the vet etc, but yet he couldn’t survive. It touched my heart to read that Steven waited on your dad before he passed on. This too happen to my pup. I remember quite clearly that he was very weak at that moment, though we were hoping, we knew he won’t make it, but yet he held on to his last breath until he saw my mom. And after that he passed on in my arms. It is as though they want to bid their final farewell to their

    Last year, we have to put down my cocker spaniel, who have been with us almost 9 years because of old age. It may seem cruel to resort to euthanasia, but seeing your ‘friend’ suffering each day is more cruel in my opinion. At least you know now that Steven, is in dog heaven. I believe with my heart that there is one.

    Right now I have 5 dogs, all shih tzus terrorizing my room and home. Do I complain? Yes. But waking up to see them with their tails wagging and coming home to a house full of running dogs, all out to greet you is a bliss very few would understand and experience. I am thankful for them. They put the sane back into insanity of life sometimes.

    I wish you well and deep condolences to your family, Joyce. It will take time for you to heal, but if you ever feel down, think of Steven in his doggie heaven all happy and waggy. I’m sure he wants you to be happy as well. A new puppy does wonders too.

    Stay strong.

  34. Adry says:

    Hey Joyce. I’ve only met you once, through Heng. @ the D’lish launch so, i don’t know you that well. But, i’m sorry for your loss. Steven was a beautiful dog and he brought joy to your family in ways that can’t be explained. Hang in there gurl. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family…

  35. Eelaine Boo says:

    OMG that made me cry. Reminds me of the time when I had to put my dog to sleep. ))))))))))):

    Anyway, remember the cartoon “All Dogs Go To Heaven”? (:

  36. huei says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Be strong.

    Reading this really makes me wana cry, now i wana go home and hug my baby real tight, i can’t imagine how it’ll be like if she ever leaves me

  37. Madeleine says:

    I’m sobbing while reading to your entry…

    I lost my dog too yesterday, he was suffering from severe skin and ear disease…had him for 10 years…

    I miss him

  38. Mae says:

    Sorry to hear about your loss…

    Now Steven have gone to a better place.

    R.I.P Steven.


    Take care.

  39. joyce says:

    hey joyce, i’m so sorry to hear about steven πŸ™ it was a hard decision to make but your family did it out of love for steven. i’m sure he’s gambolling around doggie heaven, maybe chasing cats or playing fetch. anyway, when the time is right, you might want to read ‘marley & me’ by john grogan. it’s one of the best books i’ve read about doggies that are such a big part of our lives. HUGS!

  40. Pam says:

    Be strong and know that Steven’s in dog heaven & definitely in all your hearts always…

  41. Jayelle says:

    *hugs* I lost a dog three years ago too. She was anemic after delivering a litter of puppies. I remember singing to her as she slipped away…:( One of her puppies still remains with us and will turn four years old in December. πŸ™‚

    I hope you’ll feel better soon. I know it’s hard. Been there.

    I couldn’t stop the tears when I read the part about your brother smsing you. It’s so heart wrenching that he’s trying to cheer you up too. πŸ™

    Bye Steven. πŸ™

  42. j says:

    hey joyce…i knw it’s really depressing and no matter how hard we try, nothing can heal currently but thinking back on the good times u’ve had with steven, his notorious behaviour (that makes u smile even u try to sound stern) and his sweet face does bring back fond memories and tats what he’s lived for. so now since he’s moved on, think on the better side. he’s been lifted off his sufferings and he’ll always remain truely in everyone’s heart. take good care k! πŸ˜‰

  43. smalls says:

    This entry and every entry progressing about Steven’s health made me tear. I remember the first time you got Steven, I thought you chose a name to human for a dog, but yet watching that adorable little puppy tumbling around us melted me. Be strong cousin *hug*

  44. Hi girl, I’m sorry to hear about you dog. My 8 yr old dog was posioned and we had to put her to sleep and I think we all cried as much as your family and you did as well. Here’s a little poem my cus sent me when it happened. And I’m passing it on to you. Hugs.


    If it should be that I grow weak
    And pain should keep me from my sleep
    Then you must do what must be done
    For this, the last battle, can’t be won.

    You, will be sad, I understand
    Don’t let your grief then stay your hand
    For this day, more than the rest
    Your love and friendship stand the test.

    We’ve had so many happy years
    What is to come can hold no fears
    You would not want me to suffer so
    When the time comes, please let me go.

    Take me where my needs they’ll tend
    Only, stay with me to the end
    And hold me firm and speak to me
    Until my eyes no longer see.

    I know in time you and I will see
    It is a kindness you do to me
    Although my tail it’s last has waved
    From pain and suffering I have been saved.

    Don’t grieve if it should be you
    Who has to decide this thing to do
    We’ve been so close – we two these years
    Don’t let your heart hold any tears.

  45. kreazi says:

    Hey Joyce, a very touching entry and it made me cry as I’ve also lost 4 dogs previously due to old age. Keeping my fingers crossed about the current dogs I have. Both are old oredi πŸ™ *hugs*

  46. devil_undercover says:

    U just made me cry.

    Now I’m hoping the person behind me doesn’t turn to see my face.

    Losing a dog hurts like a bitch- I did lose one young ‘un 13 yrs back, ironically- to some disease that was going around.

    I was 11, cried like a baby for a long time- coudln’t eat, sleep etc.

    My parents couldn’t take mine & my sister’s tears anymore & got us this lovely, clumsy, caramel coloured puppy.

    I love her to bits although she’s so old now.

    I had to go put eye drops for her last night again since she’s started tearing.

    I still tell her- baby, you’ve got at least another 2 years.

    I’ve got 2 other dogs as well, but I grew up with my caramel baby- life will never be the same ever.

  47. Alison says:

    joyce,condolences to you.i have a dog too.i can’t imagine that to happen to me.i wish you and ur family well.grieve if you have to.its okay.

  48. M says:

    My dog was a Spaniel mix and she died when she was 16yrs old coz her kidneys were failing. I watched her take her last breath. 2 years on, I still find it strange that she’s sth that I’ll never see again. Condolences.

  49. t says:

    in some way, you were lucky.
    my spaniel only lived for 7 years.
    that was 6 years ago but i still wonder today what went wrong.

  50. thisguy says:

    good boy steven.

    *hugs* joyce.

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